parenting: part 1

I became a parent the second that home pregnancy test turned positive. It just took nine months to be able to cradle my child in my arms. Those first moments of seeing her was surreal. Like two old souls reuniting; the face was new but there was that instant spark of recognition. Every morning when she gets up for the day and I look down at her nursing happily it all starts anew. It's how I imagine standing at the edge of Niagara Falls would be. Breathtaking, and witnessing something bigger than your or I, something spiritual. I look at her face and I think she couldn't possibly have been this beautiful yesterday, her eyes couldn't have twinkled as much before, and how much I missed her overnight. She is the most brilliant baby in the world when she points at my nose and smiles, waiting for me to name the body part.

When she wakes up in the middle of the night, only finding solace in the crook of my neck, my heart fills so full I fear it might explode. I run my hand over rose petal soft skin and smell the sweet smell of her hair. She sighs deeply as if to say that the moment we're sharing right then is the only one she'll ever need.

I find joy in everything she does every day, and relish in being there to watch her grow. There was Ariana the newborn, Ariana the baby. Ariana the toddler, and someday Ariana the child, the teenager, and one day (one far off day) Ariana the woman and mother. Every stage has been amazing to experience, and I cling to the precious moments knowing they will be gone all too soon. I picture a woman who is confidant and secure. a woman who has applied the values we spent so many years instilling in her to her everyday life.

I struggle a daily battle with myself. Part of me is desperately trying to cling to anything I can, to freeze every moment in time. To keep her this way forever. The other part is excited to see the next new stage. To feel her hand clutched in mine as we walk and to hear her ramble on about her dreams and her imaginary friends. To awaken her standing in our doorway clutching her horsey, rubbing her sleepy eyes and whispering "Mommy? Daddy?" into the darkness before rushing at our bed and diving in. Knowing that as independent as she has become, she still seeks out the comfort that only the closeness of Mommy and Daddy can bring.

I can't fathom feeling this way about any other child we bring into our family. My heart won't be able to fit inside my chest anymore! There's a saying that I love... "A mother's love doesn't divide, it multiples". I do know that whatever the future may hold for our family, Ariana will always have a special place in my heart as the girl who transformed me into the woman I've always wanted to be. The child who made me a Mommy.