Not Quite Perfect

My heart and my life are so very full. I have a husband who I adore, and a daughter who has given me a purpose. My days are full of laughter, cuddles and heart swelling moments and yet I can't fight the feeling that somethings missing.

It started as just a glowing ember of longing in the pit of my being, but it continues to grow and consume me. How can I even think about this now... and yet I do. It came to a head when I caught myself staring wistfully at a woman in the grocery store today. She was absentmindedly caressing her swollen belly full of life and it brought tears to my eyes. The desire to feel those kicks and rolls and to watch my abdomen expand. To anticipate that first meeting, that first touch, to hear that first cry. To feel the frantic pants of warm breath from a hungry newborn against my skin, and the euphoric sensation of the first strong pulls and swallows as he or she nurses for the first time.


I thought if I ignored it, the wanting would dissipate like a passing whim. It hasn't, and shows no signs of stopping. I have a few sentimental items from Ariana's first few months that I can't put in a memory box just yet. I can't bear the thought that she'll never be that tiny again. I can't get over the fact that she once was that tiny! Marty has held the outfit we brought her home wearing in his arms and just stared on a few occasions. Where has the time gone?

For now we'll wait and see where this longing takes us, letting our hearts be our guides.