Loving and Losing

I have few friends. Most of then I met through the glow of my computer monitor one anxious night after I knew Ariana had taken up residence in my womb. I wanted answers to my "is this normal..?" and old wives tales. I stumbled upon babycenter.com and there I found a home. Moms from all walks of life and every continent on earth. More importantly I found thousands of women due in September of 2008 along for the ride with me. Two years ago bonds began to form and we argued and laughed. Shared pictures and griped about our husbands. Some suffered through miscarriages and we rallied together for support. Some delivered still born babies and we wiped away tears. Some had premature babies and we cheered at every milestone. One by one all our babies we born and our debates over drinking coffee and who felt the most kicks turned to breastfeeding struggles and sleepless nights. Instead of weekly belly pictures we shared pictures of our newborns. First smiles, videos of rolling over. We dwindled down to a few hundred by the time our babies were 4 months old. Moms tearfully went back to work and lost touch. By six months we were down to 70. And now at 18 months we have 39 of us left. Needless to say we're a very close bunch- 21 of which have already had a second baby or have one currently gestating. We're like a big family who fights at Thanksgiving, but always calls the next day to apologize and gossip.

Then it happened. We lost one of our babies. A mother with an 18 month old and a 4 year old who's husband had been overseas for almost a year. Her daughter had been fighting a cold but not serious enough for her pose for pictures of her wrestling with the family dog. The next day her mom went to wake her from a too long nap and found her still. Her chest not rising, and no warm breath on her lips. 18 months old and gone. Never have we been so strong- reaching out to the mourning mother and holding tight to our own babies. We all grouped together and sent flowers, one drove to the funeral. The baby had fluid around her heart- she passed peacefully in her sleep.

Every night I creep in to check on Ariana before I go to sleep. I always rest my hand on her back, stroke her hair and cover her up. There have been a handful of times when I don't immediately feel her chest rising and falling with breath and my own catches in my throat. I yank her out of bed, pressing her body against mine as my knees give out. Immediately she startles and whines into my neck for disturbing her slumber and I rock her calming my own nerves and enjoying her snuggles. I couldn't imagine if she never startled and stayed limp in my arms....