I Promised

I made a promise to myself a long, long time ago. I gazed out my window to the low hanging moon and vowed that I would never put a child through divorce.Just the word tastes bitter on my tongue. My dad went on frequent trips to Greece with his high school history students, and also lead EF tours. I remember coming out of bed one night, cold bare feet on the tile hallway floor. I thought in the back of my mind that Daddy was around the world again. But this time, something felt different. My mom was sitting with a basket full of clean, warm laundry next to her. She was taking piece by piece out and folding it not taking her eyes off the tv. I stood in front of her and asked "Mommy... where's Daddy?" She laid an article of clothing in her lap and held my hand. "Honey, Daddy is going to live somewhere else for a while..." and the lump rose in my throat. No, it didn't rise- it exploded. My Daddy, my hero, would not be there to rub my back as I dozed off to sleep. To try and teach me how to whistle and do the chicken dance to make me laugh. I cried in my mother's arms for what seemed like hours before going back to my room.

They tried again. But that time, I saw him leave. He had a big brown suitcase and some duffel bags in front of the door. He got a studio apartment not too far from our house and after a while Kyle and I started taking turns going to stay with him for a couple days.

My eyes still well up when I think of that night when my mother told me they were separating. I swore that I would never get married without knowing we would never divorce and my children would get out unscathed.

Fast forward to 20 years later. Here I am, at my parent's house with Ariana. I broke my promise to myself. We fell in love hard and fast and a year into the relationship we found out we were pregnant. We were on the fast track to real commitment and being linked forever. We thought we were invincible- our love was our guide. We got married happily on a quiet beach and 2 months later we had our baby in our arms. We were still getting to know each other and suddenly the burden of supporting a family was on Marty's shoulders. He was busting his butt 60 hours a week on an erratic schedule. Work was stressful so he went out with a friend to blow off steam. I was without a license and trapped in our home with an infant. God I love her, but it was overwhelming! Some days I stayed in pajamas simply so I didn't have to waste my precious alone time while she cat napped changing and seeing my flabby, overweight body in the mirror. I didn't want to put on another maternity outfit when Ariana was 5 months old.

I got involved in a mom's networking site when I was pregnant. I found thousands of moms who were all due in September of '08 and we talked about the gross things with our bodies and the sweet grins we were getting from our newborns. I found friends there that knew EXACTLY what my life was like as a stay at home mom. There were moms who opened my eyes to a way other than the mainstream way of parenting.

I started changing- no- evolving. I became a mother passionate about breastfeeding and hung-ho about homebirths. I realized that babies aren't born circumcised and sobbed watching a video of it being done. We weren't agreeing on anything other than we loved our daughter. I was always on the computer and Marty was always out with Greg. We avoided our problems and busied ourselves elsewhere instead of dealing with things. We started thinking another baby would bring us back to the happiness we felt when both our hands rested on my belly as Ariana rolled and kicked.

We started having a lot of talks when Ariana was about a year old. We made it clear what we expect of each other, and what we needed emotionally and physically as well. We'd spend about a week being the picture perfect spouses, then it all would crumble. I would neglect the dishes in the sink and he wouldn't make eye contact with me all day. We stopped doing what we had agreed on to spite each other. So we withdrew from each other further and further until I did a 180 and was no longer the woman he once couldn't live without. We hardly knew each other anymore. We were two strangers who happened to have a kid together. We fought about everything and slept in bed with our backs to each other. We stopped greeting each other with a kiss and a hug.

so now here we are separated and discussing child support and custody rather than where to go to dinner and which movie looked good on TV. He deals with things by getting angry and going out. I deal with things by getting emotional and going inward. We are both shadows of the people we once were and have hardly anything in common. We neglected us and are paying the price dearly. I love him, but I don't think I've been in love with him for a while.

My heart breaks thinking of Ariana doing the back and forth that I experienced as a child. Marty said she's soon get excited about TWO Christmases and TWO houses to live in with different toys and clothes. Part of me is glad I walked away now instead of suffering quietly for years more. Ariana wont remember living with both of us after a while and wont have the memories I do.